Trigger warning: self harm and suicide.
I’m managing. That’s what I tell myself or anyone else who happens to ask. I look pretty good outwardly actually.
There isn’t anyone watching over me. No one is asking any monitoring questions. They haven’t in weeks. So no one knows that:
- I’m struggling with dangerous impulses.
- I can’t go near painkillers in shops despite my feet naturally pulling towards them
- I’m self medicating with cocodamol
- I took 3 cocodamol the other night and was so close to taking the rest of the packet that I nearly went to give the packet to my husband. Nearly.
- I’ve closed my eyes when driving just to explore what happens.
- I’ve accelerated towards certain objects quite a few times now, slamming the brakes on and shouting at myself – what the fuck are you doing?!
- I cut my own neck last week. It didn’t bleed. I found where the vein was, avoided it and took a knife to my neck. I have a couple of creases on my neck so I cut in one of them so it wouldn’t be noticeable. It was more a scratch really.
- I cut my thigh and panicked because it wouldn’t stop bleeding. It did eventually though.
- I’ve had thoughts of having superpowers, and maybe I should test this out.
- I’ve been scared in the supermarket and felt the urge to scream and shout at people because they are a threat.
- Sometimes I think I might see little things that aren’t there.
- I faced my abuser with a letter.
- I’ve lost 3 stone (actually a few people have noticed that and congratulated me on it).
- I’ve been trying Quetiapine and have been on it for what 5 weeks? And increased my dose and not a single hcp has checked how it’s going.
My usual GP has disappeared. My care coordinator is new after my last one resigned and my relationship with my DBT therapist has broken down.
So all this stuff is going on with me and no one knows any of it. Except me. I did pluck up the courage to ring my psychiatrist a week ago. I left a message and it was never returned. I’m just not ill enough – which is a blessing I suppose.
So it’s a good thing that I’m managing. Just like I managed all this stuff before. Until I can’t manage anymore and decide to take a break. And then… ?
Well, it so totally doesn’t matter does it?