Fear of Abandonment 

I’m not afraid of abandonment. I expect abandonment. No one enjoys being abandoned do they? So why would I be any different?!

It’s funny because people always like to reassure me that I have nothing to fear and then, somehow, they leave. I’m not cross with them for leaving (usually) but I do wish people would take on board what I say!

I’m feeling really quite abandoned at the moment. Nursery Nora left me about 4 weeks ago. She retired so it wasn’t personal but neither was it a surprise. She helped me, really helped me so I knew she would be leaving me. We spent 8 months developing a relationship and I trusted her. She seemed to understand me(ish)! And then she was gone. 

I could really use Nora right now seeing as how my relationship with DBT Monica has also broken down. I refuse to see Monica again after her cruel character assassination of me. So that’s that then. I didn’t see it coming but hey, I knew she’d leave one way or another. It wasn’t self sabotage. Quite the opposite in fact. So that was my 2 main support people gone, both within a month.

I had a 3rd arm of support; my GP. Yeah, that’s over too. Again it’s nothing personal (I think) just facing reality. There is nothing they can do for me. My meds can now be requested online so fingers crossed they’ll barely have to see me anymore. Great.

And all of a sudden I’m abandoned again. Not surprised but I’ll admit I’m bitter. People shouldn’t act like I’m unreasonable when I expect this to happen. 

But now what do I do? Who do I lurch towards now? I’d much rather I didn’t need anyone. That would make it all a lot simpler. They want me to trust them each time…because it’ll be different… and it never is. 

I humour them, of course. And wait. And then, out of nowhere, they leave again. And sad and painful though it is, at least I get to breath a sigh of relief whilst silently saying told you so.

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