Scared

I keep trying to ignore how suicidal I feel. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do. I absolutely 100% know I don’t want to die and yet there is this constant internal monologue telling me that I do. But I don’t. 

I fell asleep with dangerous ideas buzzing. I am so disgusting that sanding the skin off my arm seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea. I woke up in the early hours after upsetting dreams: me slicing through my arms with a knife but unable to control it; my parents hunting me in a library whilst my body lost control, desperate to injure itself. When I sat in the dark I wanted to cut my own throat…just a test…not to do anything. I sat there scared. Really fucking scared. 

When I properly got up this morning I had a plan for the day and I stuck to it. 

I took the bus to town…and closed my eyes as we drove over the bridge I imagine jumping off of.

I walked past the pharmacy I wanted to go into…because I was too scared about what I would buy if I went in.

I waited at the kerb as a truck rumbled past…and imagined myself falling under it.

It’s like this all the time at the minute. I’m terrified. Nora reassured me yesterday that I was handling these urges well. In summer I couldn’t stop myself but now I was taking control and staying safe.

But, but, but…help? How much longer can I stay safe. I’m petrified. It’s only going to take one thing and the fuck it switch will be flicked. Please please please, I do not want anything bad to happen. Please.

It’s down to me though. I am a responsible adult and, as such, I must take responsibility for my own actions. I understand that, I do, but I’m just so very frightened and, as usual, no one believes me. 

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One thought on “Scared

  1. Mild Side says:

    I wish I could reassure you that all will be well. Certainly you deserve it to be – you are trying so hard. I hope this year is easier for you, and life becomes something better than a constant battle.

    Liked by 1 person

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