I drank a lot of gin. I knew I was drunk. I didn’t care. I don’t usually drink as it’s bad for depression and I have a habit of losing control. But I didn’t care. I decided it was a great time to connect with people.
I sent fb messages.
I looked up people from my past that I have absolutely no reason to look up.
I called people I hadn’t spoken to in years and probably left drunken rambling messages.
I rang my friend in Canada.
I recorded videos of myself and sent them to people.
Finally at 3am I called it a night and went to bed.
The guilt, shame and embarrassment arrived right on cue when I woke up. So did the hangover. No bother with the physical aches though; there was ibuprofen, cocodamol and promethazine to help me through that. The mental hangover is far worse.
I mean, ok, fair enough I blew off steam and no one was harmed but I was out of control. I was tempted to overdose. I just didn’t care. I just wanted this feeling inside me to stop. Still do. I can’t live like this. I need to believe it will end but I don’t.
I feel at a complete loss.