I haven’t been able to write. I’m not sure I can now. I’m in the middle of trying to manage an internal catastrophe. That sounds dramatic. I’m going with it though as right now it feels dramatic.
I’ve been trying my DBT skills to help me, with limited success. Opposite action has been useful. TIP has been useful, particularly the T bit. That’s been a welcome surprise as usually TIP doesn’t do much for me but I’ve had a racing heart a few times and ice has helped. I even went for a swim to really stimulate the dive reflex and it was good.
However, as I said, I’ve had limited success with the DBT strategies. Using DBT can feel like acting and no one can keep up an act 24h a day. So I’ve also tried alcohol, various pills and cutting. These all had both positives and negatives too. After a good few weeks of no self-harm I went to town and cut myself 8 times in one go. Truthfully I wanted to do more but I’m mindful of covering them up. I’m dreading seeing Monica again as, presuming I’m honest, I’m going to be told off for not trying hard enough to use my skills. That makes me very angry. I’m exhausted trying to do the right thing. I feel like I can’t do right for doing wrong.
I’ve finally decided that I am going to try the quetiapine because I am trying so hard and yet I still dream of train tracks. I am scared. Yet even this decision is wrong. God, I just want to cry. Monica feels I should be med free. That’s the DBT ideal and we argued over it. Nora keeps trying to dissuade me. She tells me how nasty a drug it is (cheers!) and how right now is a particularly difficult time of year. This makes me angry too. It is always a difficult fucking time of the year to me, Christmas is irrelevant. I’m still going to see my parents every time I look in the mirror no matter the season. I guess she thinks I’m being reactive and looking for an easy fix.
*insert your own ironic laugh*
Easy fix? Aye. That’ll be right.
Anyway she’s leaving and I doubt she’ll be replaced so that branch of support will be withdrawn.
I think that I have lost trust and confidence in them: Nora and Monica. When I believe in someone I will follow you to the ends of the earth, I will walk through fire for you, I will take what you say as near gospel truth. But…when I stop believing in a person…it’s near impossible to come back from. It’s not splitting as I don’t flip flop between idealisation and devaluation. In this type of situation it’s just like it’s over – the relationship that is. Everything they say will be treated with suspicion. They are no longer trusted and instead must be tolerated and appeased.
I feel so so sad right now. That’s it.