The Trouble With DBT

I’ve completed 11 weeks of DBT. Everyone agrees I’m working very hard and I am. I totally commit to it because I just want please, please, please, to get better. I do see improvement but, well, it’s complicated and I can’t really ignore the trouble with DBT any more.

1. I’m not actually ill

Well I’m not am I? I have a “personality disorder”. What does that even mean? It means that I, me, this, is wrong. Faulty wiring or whatever as inherent as handedness. So I can train and train and train to use my non-dominant hand but it will never be right or natural will it? No, because I am a person disordered. I don’t have a personality. So I don’t see that as an illness. I’m just a faulty model.

2. DBT Doesn’t Give A Shit

It really doesn’t. The whole process is about pointing out all the wrong things I think and do and feel. Then I’m supposed to be a good little girl and learn the right way to think and do and feel. That’s fair enough. I suppose I can do that but you know what’s really hard? It’s the fact that in DBT no one wants to know why I might be scared of walking into a group. No one gives a shit about why I find it hard walking up certain flights of stairs. What’s that? Got a sad story? Do. Not. Care. I’m finding this really difficult. I can explain my fears and reactions. They may be irrational and out of context but they are based on experience and truth and are quite understandable. Do. Not. Care. In many ways I’m being forced back into being 14 again: just act normal, just act normal. No one cares why you’re cutting yourself you’ve just not to do it. That’s how I feel now. I get so frustrated sometimes that I just want to scream “Maybe if you’d grown up with fucking death threats from your drunken venomous mother you might have some fucking fears too!”. Do.Not.Care. So I feel doubly wrong. My personality is wrong so my thoughts are wrong and I believe there are understandable reasons for this but that is all wrong too.

I suppose the trouble with DBT is me. It’s always me. I am the trouble with everything. I am wrong. 

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6 thoughts on “The Trouble With DBT

      • Becky Bee says:

        I hope it helps you, then. I found cbt difficult for similar reasons to the reasons you find DBT hard. Being told even your thinking is wrong can be painful… but I also found that with cbt, a lot of it is common sense. So *knowing* you *should* do something isn’t the same as feeling ok about it. Does that make sense? I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re not wrong. It’s all just experiences.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. TheIdAndTheUgly says:

    Oh my…
    I just found and read some of your blog and it really gets to me.
    The way you put your anger into words feels very relatable. I can see, how you struggle with being “scientificly” objective and have all these horrible, “subjective” feelings at the same time. I put that into quotes because it is so hard to tell them apart. But that I guess is part of the problem, as – like a good bpd person – I do not trust my “Subject”. Well, whatever: I understand very well your feeling of DBT being an act and it not caring at all.
    For those reasons I decided to do trauma therapy, but I am not so sure that is a better way to go.
    Could you elaborate on what you said about your interpretation of the process being incorrect? Because it sounds quite plausible to me…

    Maybe it is a good idea to compare DBT to sports or dieting: when doing that, most people have in mind to get better, but do not focus on being broken. Well. Most.

    Sorry, I am blabbering.

    Thank you for writing and also for existing in general! Do not let the fucked up shit your parents put you through destroy you! Sometimes it helps me to think that they really do not deserve to see me broken as that would be success for them. I get angry, productive fuel out of the idea that I can only really punish THEM with being well: take THAT, fucking abusive mother. (Sorry again).

    I don’t know. I guess, besides from using you comment section as a therapist, I wanted to say: I’m with you!

    Like

    • kateofwoz says:

      Thank you for your blabbering! (I mean that nicely!) I’m not in a reasonable mind at the moment. I hope that speaking to my GP in a few weeks will help as he is more subjective regarding the DBT. Anyway I just really wanted you to know that I appreciate your comment.

      Like

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