I’ve completed 11 weeks of DBT. Everyone agrees I’m working very hard and I am. I totally commit to it because I just want please, please, please, to get better. I do see improvement but, well, it’s complicated and I can’t really ignore the trouble with DBT any more.
1. I’m not actually ill
Well I’m not am I? I have a “personality disorder”. What does that even mean? It means that I, me, this, is wrong. Faulty wiring or whatever as inherent as handedness. So I can train and train and train to use my non-dominant hand but it will never be right or natural will it? No, because I am a person disordered. I don’t have a personality. So I don’t see that as an illness. I’m just a faulty model.
2. DBT Doesn’t Give A Shit
It really doesn’t. The whole process is about pointing out all the wrong things I think and do and feel. Then I’m supposed to be a good little girl and learn the right way to think and do and feel. That’s fair enough. I suppose I can do that but you know what’s really hard? It’s the fact that in DBT no one wants to know why I might be scared of walking into a group. No one gives a shit about why I find it hard walking up certain flights of stairs. What’s that? Got a sad story? Do. Not. Care. I’m finding this really difficult. I can explain my fears and reactions. They may be irrational and out of context but they are based on experience and truth and are quite understandable. Do. Not. Care. In many ways I’m being forced back into being 14 again: just act normal, just act normal. No one cares why you’re cutting yourself you’ve just not to do it. That’s how I feel now. I get so frustrated sometimes that I just want to scream “Maybe if you’d grown up with fucking death threats from your drunken venomous mother you might have some fucking fears too!”. Do.Not.Care. So I feel doubly wrong. My personality is wrong so my thoughts are wrong and I believe there are understandable reasons for this but that is all wrong too.
I suppose the trouble with DBT is me. It’s always me. I am the trouble with everything. I am wrong.