I want to cut a hole in my stomach, reach in and rip the badness out. I want it OUT. Gone. It reminds me of Harry Potter in the Deathly Hallows when he realised that a piece of Voldemort lived inside of him and so, to completely kill Voldemort, Harry had to kill himself. That is exactly how I feel.
This feeling of being utterly rotten, infected and evil inside is distressing. I want it gone.
So, what are my options?
Option 1 The Harry Potter Fix
I kill myself thus killing the evil inside of me. Major downside to this option is that I would be dead and therefore unable to enjoy being free from the badness. Bummer. I’d go so far as to say I’m 100% sure that if I killed my self there would be no Dumbledore waiting to send me back to life. No. I’d be dead. Good and proper. That’s not really any kind of solution. It stays on the table though…y’know…just in case.
Option 2 Self-Surgery
So another idea is to cut/bore some sort of hole into my abdomen. Then I could squidge about my organs, locate the bad and pull it out. Oh if only this were possible! There are all kinds of obvious problems with this. Firstly the hole. It’s harder than I realised to cut a hole in one’s abdomen. I tried today – just a little bit. I even sharpened the knife but no. I didn’t achieve anything. Then there’s the very real danger of puncturing an organ and inadvertently killing myself (essentially option 1 again!). I’m also pretty confident that there is no solid mass of bad inside my guts. So it’d be a world of pain with no purpose. I’ll be honest I’m really not great with pain…this option is ludicrous frankly. No wonder Nora was concerned when I mentioned it to her the other day.
Option 3 Psychotherapy
Yes! This is my preferred option by quite a lot. Shame because it’s not on the table. At all. YARGH! I have asked for this so many times and each time the answer is no you’re too unstable. Yes! Yes I am getting unstable, know why? Because I need to tell. Please please let me talk about all the things that I have never been allowed to talk about. Nope not allowed. I can’t even express my devastated frustration. There are no words. I’d expected a no and had googled in advance so I’d read up about the benefits of survivors talking about their trauma versus not talking about their trauma. Of course the conclusion was that it very much depends on the person: are they ready? Well, I’ve been ready for ages and now with DBT Skills have far better coping strategies. Please?! No, no, NO! I know the rationale is to keep me safe but I honestly feel that preventing me talking about these things is further adding to my distress. I feel trapped and gagged and like none of it matters. Fears of me reliving memories are pointless. I’ve been living with flashbacks, bad dreams and rumination for a year now. Surely I could start talking and if I do destabilise then it can be stopped. I’m told I’m impatient and it upsets me more. I’m 36. I want to live my life, please? Healing will take time and mental ill health has contaminated enough of my life already! But no. So if Option 3 is out then 1 or 2…? Sigh.
Thing is that of course I know options 1 and 2 are harmful, dangerous and ridiculous. Rational Mind knows that. Thing is, this is Emotional Mind in total turmoil. Wise Mind has asked for a reasonable compromise and gotten nowhere.
I’ve tried to explain to both Nora and Monica my very justified fears about impending crisis. I used analogies. I said that hcp talk about crisis like it’s cramp and, in time, will pass. However this is absolutely NOT my personal experience of crisis. For me a better analogy is needing a wee. The distress is the feeling the need to wee – to get it out. Now, if I can’t get the wee out as I’d like (by going to the loo) then I’m going to have to do things to get by until I can get to a toilet. I can distract myself. I can stop drinking. I can avoid laughing, trampolines and sneezing to try and stop the wee (the distress) from coming out. The problem is that the need to urinate will not go away. The pee is still there and it needs to come out…and…eventually…if I don’t get to a toilet….
OH NO! UNCONTROLLED RELEASE OF WEE EVERYWHERE!
And this sums up my dangerous impulsive behaviour. Because I can’t get it out eventually it will escape. Uncontrollably. With an overdose or driving onto train tracks or wrist slitting or drinking Dettol, I don’t know! Anyway neither of them fully got it. They know best and I do respect that. I just feel like my specific issues aren’t being addressed and instead I’m considered wilful and challenging.
I just want to be better. That’s all.