This Little Light of Mine

Shut up shut up shut up!

Why can’t I make them be quiet? These voices/thoughts in my head. They can be anyone; people I know or anonymous or even myself. Sometimes it’s detuned radios. A negative cacophony. I feel like there’s fifteen of them but they’re impossible to count.They suround me. If I try and get up and walk away they come with me. I can try to ignore them but they stay. They are summoned by light. The light of a positive thought. When they see that I have light they swarm around me to extinguish it. I am doing better. I know I am doing better. So they’re here. Surrounding me with their you’re so worthless you idiot we hate you everybody hates you you pointless piece of shit you will never escape us we keep you safe you should be grateful you fool you’re disgusting and pathetic. They never tire but I sure do. If I think of the light I have as a Christmas tree light perhaps I can smuggle it up my jumper? The only way to stop these thoughts is to give into them and acknowledge that yes I know I am worthless etc etc. Only when I agree with them and am lying broken will they start to move away, one by one. Often the little light of positivity I had is broken and I mourn it: my treasured thing broken. Again. Now though I think maybe I can hide this little light this time and keep it safe. I’ll fall to the floor and play dead and do all the usual things I need to for them to disperse but…I won’t let them break my little light. It’s mine. I can already feel that some of them have gone. Good. My little light is safe. That’s one. I’ve got one. A little light of positivity smuggled up my jumper but still glowing. 

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