I’ve made progress. Even I can see that. I am no longer suicidal. Previously I knew that I had to stay alive as a duty to my children. Now I want to stay alive. It feels very different. I still get the daily thoughts repeating ‘I want to die I want to die I want to die’ over and over but they are less powerful; noises instead of compulsions.
Yesterday I cut my forearm. It was an experiment just to see a little bit what slitting my wrist would feel like. Not to die. Just curiosity. I also had to do it. I owe it to the Universe because I’m getting better…so for reasons I can’t explain as there’s no sense in it, I cut my arm. By last night I had decided: I am done with self harm. Done. I’ve done it. I’ve kept up my side of the deal and now I want to say enough. There are better ways forward.
In fact I was going to get Nora to participate when I ceremoniously dumped my knives in the bin today. A bit pompous, I know, but fuck it. Anyway I didn’t get Nora to help because I didn’t dump the knives because she didn’t ask about self harm. Instead we talked about how much better I am because I really, really am. Isn’t it great? It is. I mean there’s work to be done but I am a lot better. Which is good because…
Well, ok, that’s me being over dramatic. She hasn’t quit. She is retiring and rightfully so. I wasn’t surprised when she told me. I had always known that she would be taken. Obviously she was going to withdraw from my care at some point (in the very near future actually) but I suspected it’d be more than that. So no surprise here. I’m actually happy for her. I completely understand her decision and am pleased that she is being taken in a good way, moving on to better things. That’s much better than some of the alternatives.
But yes of course she was going to be taken. I know it sounds stupid. No one ever understands. Look, the good is always taken away. Andy and the kids being the exception to the rule I hope. Although I do get mad anxious when the 3 of them are out in the car. Please don’t take them. Anyway there are 3 hcp that I rate: Nora, Monica and Dr H. I knew that couldn’t continue. I just hope the other 2 are ok. I worry poor Dr H will just have a massive heart attack or something.
Now I’ve typed this out I see how twisted my thinking is. I just feel like this because I’m a person disordered. Wise mind is keeping quiet again. Cheers mate. You wanna consider speaking up every now and then?
My brain has been very busy and I wish I knew what that sneaky little bastard was up to. Well, I am still making progress and that’s good. One day I might even think it’s ok that I exist. One day.
I’m actually embarrassed by how crazy this post is. Embarrassed. Posting it anyway in the name of honesty/stupidity.