Not ok. Shhhh.

Arghhhh! What’s happening?! This feeling. What is it?! Make it stop. 

My skin has been crawling all day, especially my neck. It’s awful. I’ve wrapped a scarf tightly around it to try and help but even that sensation prickles at me. Sometimes I really tighten the scarf to see if a choking feeling helps. It does a bit. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I want to cry; to crumble. Please no. I can’t though. I’ve tried to participate as much as possible with my husband and kids today. I’ve sat on the sofa  but I just wanted to be away. My daughter and the cat have clambered all over me. I’ve wanted to throw up at the feeling of invasion.

Right now I feel like I could die. Panic. My hands are like ice – I think my fingernails are turning blue. I know I can’t trust anything I think because I’m in a bad way right now. I don’t know what to do. It’s ok though because I know why this is happening. I’ve mistakenly been taking half doses of my venlafaxine. I muddled the pills up. I don’t how many times I’ve taken a half dose. At least the last 3 doses I think. I’ve taken the correct dose now having realised my mistake. All this weirdness if probably just chemistry. Fucking chemistry. She’s a cruel mistress to me.

I’ve broken my phone too. Dropped in the toilet it’s currently drying out in rice but I hold out little hope. I didn’t know to switch it off so a short circuit (ie phone death) is likely. This is a problem as my phone is my brain. It’s also my lifeline whether it’s browsing or just being able to make contact with other people, it’s gone now. No wonder I feel panicky.

It’s daughters birthday tomorrow so I’ll have to get up soon and help sort out her presents. I’d better not be like this tomorrow. I have her all day. 

I’ve decided to quit teaching too. Seems so obvious now that I need to do that. Shame cos I loved being a teacher.

And nothing makes any sense. I can’t think about anything except how bad I feel and how I can’t talk to anyone about it. I’m expecting Andy to come and have a go at me any minute about the state of me, am I fit for tomorrow etc etc

I want to talk talk talk talk but I can’t. CAN’T. Contain it. Contain it. Shhhhh it’ll be ok.

Just repeat “ok” until true. (Not ok).

One thought on “Not ok. Shhhh.

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