The Present

I’m struggling so hard with real life right now. My mind is stuck in 14 years ago. I’m trying mindfulness and using grounding techniques to be present but it’s like trying to reign in a herd of wild buffalo.

Right now my daughter is in my lap and is watching TV. We’re both washed, dressed and fed. We’ve even played playmobil hospitals. She’s holding my hand. She’s so loving I’ve never known anyone be so open with their affections. I hope she always stays that way because it is a beautiful way to be. Anyway I’m trying to accept that right now this is the best I can do and it’s ok. I say it but I don’t believe it of course. I believe I’m a failure to her and am terrified of her realising how flawed I am. It will come one day.

Just day to day stuff is too much right now. I put the dishwasher on earlier and felt like I’d climbed a mountain. 

The flashbacks are a problem at the minute. The anxiety makes me so tired and I feel so nauseous and dizzy. Thing is, I’m not scared of facing the difficult emotions and memories. I want them to come so that I can face them and begin processing that stuff. I wish I could choose though – like choosing to watch TV when the time is right. Having these feelings inflicted on myself when I have responsibilities is like trying to run in concrete boots. 

I want the past to stay there but to achieve that I could do with pausing the present. Anyone got a remote? 

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