I can’t do it. I know what you’ll say – that I am doing it; that I can. But you’re wrong. I can’t. I feel like my whole interpretation of the world is wrong and I have to relearn everything. I’m just not strong enough. Or motivated enough. Like, why bother spending years to ‘get well’ only to get elderly and infirm. I saw them in hospital – the elderly. No ta.
I don’t know how to manage this feeling. It is omnipotent. I’m functioning a lot better at the moment which is encouraging for everyone, except me, because I still don’t want to be alive. And maybe that’s it; that’s as good as life gets – wanting to die but still getting dressed and showing up every day. I’ll admit that the prospect doesn’t fill me with enthusiasm.
I just don’t see the point. Why should I do this? For the children is the only answer I can think of. It’s a good one right enough. Probably the best reason there is: for the children. But, I can’t. I just think I need a cheerleader. Someone to encourage me – keep going Trudy!
I’m spending any free time knitting. Don’t laugh (oh sod it, knock yourself out laughing if you want). It distracts me from my thoughts. As soon as I stop though my mood immediately crashes. Hello…I’m here…it’s the darkness back…have you thought about ending your life recently? Let’s do that. Which method shall we think about now???
Everything is pointless.