Strange beliefs. The phrase conjures up images of believing that you’re being controlled by aliens, or something.
Do I have strange beliefs? Ummm…
Well, I’ve never really told anyone this but, I believe that I am a mistake. That’s not so bad. Lots of people with mental illness have that don’t they? The specifics of my belief are that I was never meant to be and there was some sort of blip in the universe that meant I came into being when I wasn’t supposed to. I believe that because I exist (when I shouldn’t) that it causes upset in the world; bad things happen because the planet is unbalanced because I exist.
Yup. Deep down inside me I believe this and I look for evidence to confirm it – particularly bad world events around my birthday.
You want to leave now? That’s ok. I get it. It’s proper bonkers. I know it’s not actually true. D’uh! Let me explain…
You know that feeling when you’re alone at home? It’s dark and you just get the sense that someone is watching you. You know there is no one there. Absolutely factually know it. However you can still feel like there is someone there. No matter how much your rational brain tells you ‘dude, there’s no one there!’, you still can’t shake the the feeling. That what my strange belief feels like. I know it’s not true but I still feel like it is. Anyway, no matter, I’m pretty good at managing my strange beliefs and although the universe-blip belief never goes away it also never bothers me. It’s just there.
Another weird one I have is that my whole life is an experiment. I have a chip in my head and some people in my life can hear my thoughts. Not everyone is in on it though so I don’t believe my husband can hear my thoughts. That one only pops up if I’m kind of stressed. Again, I know this isn’t true!
Lately I’ve noticed other weird thoughts creep in. I was riding my bike and – pop! –hey my bike can fly! Err no. It can’t. But what if it can? But it can’t. Ok then. And just like that it was gone. The thought my bike could fly was serious enough to disconcert me. Then, that same night I was in bed trying to sleep. I felt calm. No fears that any visions were about to happen so all good. Ahhhh! We have a TV and a Virgin TV box in our room. Occasionally the box clicks into some mode (I dunno what it’s doing) and it whirrs away for a bit. Nothing new there. So I was lying there trying to do the sleep thing, box starts whirring and I automatically think ‘oh, the box is trying to talk to me’. Ummmm no. Yes but listen to how it whirrs – it could be like a code? No Trudy. It is an inanimate object. It is not trying to speak to you. Are you ok? Yeah I suppose you’re right. TV boxes don’t talk. Flippin’ eck! And I settled down to sleep frowning at thinking such a bizarre thing, even in passing.
Those two bizarre thoughts both occurred on Venlafaxine day one so maybe that’s the source. Maybe everyone has these thoughts? They were just passing thoughts though not beliefs like the universe-blip so not a problem.
Thing is, although I manage the universe-blip belief pretty well it is the thing, I think, that makes me do dangerous stuff. When I took my overdose I knew that I could be saved. However I honestly hand-on-heart believed that the universe may take the opportunity to correct the blip. It didn’t. Then my fascination with jumping off a local bridge. Again there’s a good chance I could survive it – if I’m meant to. Same with the train tracks thing. And I find this too hard to explain to anyone really because I know how mad it sounds. I think if I tell the psychiatrist when I see him next week that he’ll think I’m making it up, y’know cos of the BPD? Sigh!
So that’s why I wrote this. Getting it out of my head helps. I can’t believe I won’t ever feel like this. I have always felt like this but I can’t tell anyone (shhhh!). I don’t think they’ll believe my belief. So I’ll just keep it to myself.