The Depths of Crash#3

Still in crash#3.

Is that 9 days now? Think so.

Don’t know. Don’t care.

Conflicted. Torn in two. Think it’s fair to say I’m on the edge.

I’m a good girl though. I’ve phoned Nora. I’m prepared to be told the soundbites that are supposed to ease this pain. 

I can’t stand it. Being like this.

I broke down last night and I cried and cried to Andy – I can’t do it anymore. I’m sorry. I want to keep going I promise I do. I just…can’t. Big sobs from my core, head pounding, hands shaking, breathing laboured. I can’t do it. He rubbed my back and told me I can. I can’t. He told me to keep breathing.

I don’t want to, I replied in a whisper.

In this frame of mind nothing makes sense. Everything I do is wrong because I am wrong. There is nothing anyone can do. 

Nothing.

Except… I could do something couldn’t I? But I mustn’t.

I’m dreading Nora’s callback. How do I explain this?! 

I actually feel like I’m being slowly killed by this and there is nothing anyone can do.

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