I know it’s wrong but what can I do?
There are two versions of me: rational and emotional. Mostly they intertwine so that my decisions and thoughts are made by a back and forth between them. As my mental health has deteriorated these different parts of me have split apart. They are definitely apart now; two distinct personalities in one body.
Usually Rational wins. She’s patient and considerate and understands consequences. Her arguments are always better than Emotional. Emotional is just that: a bundle of feelings. Uncontrollable feelings: excitement, gratitude, anger, self-loathing and the rest. Emotional approaches feelings in the same way as a child left unguarded in a sweetshop. Emotional picks up lots of feelings, latching on to them and then quickly discarding them in favour of another. Some feelings are favourites. When those feelings get picked up they are held for longer, savoured. Emotional wants to gorge. Rational stops her but not without a fight. Like a tired parent I observe this exchange as if I’m a third party, whilst still attempting to convincingly participate in real life.
Then the realisation hits: I am Rational and Emotional. That’s me. A new height of distress is achieved and Emotional and Rational begin squabbling more intensely and I just want them to stop. Please stop. Please. Please?
Sometimes I try and explain to an outsider – any other human will do but they never quite get it. I suppose they just see me as one whole and address me as such. The outsider converses with Rational. Inside I translate to Emotional telling her to be calm, shhhh! No one really listens to Emotional. Everything is about silencing her but eventually she can take it no more and she bursts out. Look! I am here!
Right now Emotional is bursting out. Show them. Rational rolls her eyes and sighs – no, we’ve been through this a million times. It cannot be done. Yes, says Emotional, it can. And I wonder if we just let Emotional have her way for a bit – it might mean a bit of peace. Rational isn’t so sure. And me? I’m totally fucked in the head. I have no idea.