This is just a pointless angry rant. I wouldn’t waste your time tbh.
I’m finding it hard to write. It’s not that I don’t have lots of thoughts – or belly rumblings as my dad would call them. It’s that I don’t think they matter. Who cares? And I can’t make coherent sentences anyway so forget it.
I’ve been trying to write something about being a depressed parent but it’s too huge. It’s a load of waffle so I’ve left it.
I don’t think anyone should have to be around me, talk to me, listen to me at all. Why are you reading this? Run away.
I keep trying to convince myself that everything is just super. Oooh look at all the positives!!! I’m so used to doing this to reassure other people that I’m not hopeless so they feel better. Do you do that? Tell people things are supposedly positive when, in fact, nothing feels good? The number of times I hear sentences begins like:
- “Well, at least you….(managed to go to the shop for example like I’m going to feel like a hero for doing something completely ordinary)”
- “Well it’s probably a good thing…(that you’re off work for example thus killing my career. Yip-Dee-do-da-day!”
- “yes but it’s important to remain positive”.
I’M NOT POSITIVE I AM SEVERELY FUCKING DEPRESSED AND I’M SORRY THAT YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE A FEW SECONDS OF DISCOMFORT DURING OUR CHIT CHAT BUT HERE’S AN IDEA: why don’t you just fuck off if I make you so uncomfortable?! Do one. No seriously. Trying not to embarrass you is another problem I don’t need and I am POSITIVE about that. Happy?!?! No. Me neither.
This is a very dark place. You wouldn’t like it. I don’t.