I can’t come to work today. My brain is broken.

I’m off work ill today. I actually told them yesterday morning as I hit the wall and knew that really a school was not the right place for me today. Fortuitously I have an easy teaching day today so it was easy to set cover. Bottom set Y10 are making a collage about acids and alkalis. My lab will be destroyed 😰.
It’s a strange thing taking a sick day for mh. Doesn’t feel right. I mean I’ve washed and dressed dd, dropped her at nursery, tidied the kitchen and made bread so far. Doesn’t seem like someone very ill to me but actually I am, I guess. I mean if I’m taking 2 different medications, seeing the GP 3 times in a fortnight and having the crisis team swing by then that does seem to provide some reassuring evidence that I am, in fact, ill.
I need today. My mind is fractured and I need to rest it to help it set again. After a very difficult couple of weeks I need to gather some street and decide on a plan. Currently I’m favouring the f*** it and give up plan. This involves just getting on with life. I’m thinking about stopping the private counselling. Whilst each session is helpful at the time it does tend to raise a lot of the darkness within me and then I have no support or way to cope with that so get quite distressed. It’s a helluva expensive and I can’t help but think I’d be better to try and sit out the next 4 weeks(ish) until hopefully the CMHT pick me up. Hopefully. But I dunno. I just can’t juggle it all and for all the platitudes people make when push comes to shove I’m on my own with this.
Someone (you know who are!) asked if I have BPD. So I read up on it. It describes me exactly *except* the outbursts of anger. However I’ve also read that to some people with BPD anger is intolerable and that is very true of me! I’ve read that often BPD and PTSD can be intertwined so that makes sense. I’ve done loads of those little online quizzes and they all say the same thing so it must be true! 😛
A real proper thorough diagnosis would mean the world to me. I know many don’t like the label but that’s not what it would to me. All my life I’ve wondered what was wrong with me. The world just seems a bit different to me. Anyway obviously mh diagnoses are complex things so I’m not daft enough to believe that I’m X or Y cos the internet said so. Errr no! But I am *desperate* for some answers. Maybe if I knew what I was fighting I might have a better chance of kicking the crap out of it? Knowledge is power and all that!

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