I’m in 2 minds about writing this. There’s always delete though so I’ll see how I go.’Depression is depressing’ bit bloody obvious that. It’s how I’ve felt all day. I am so depressed of being…depressed.
Today has been one of those difficult depression days: the weather is beautiful; I’m off work; I’m healthy; I have my beautiful family around me. See? Told you. Nightmare. Ok I’ll explain. I am *so* fortunate and yet ‘this’?! This darkness. This weight. This despair.
It’s a strange thing. Do you remember Roy Castle getting lung cancer? It was outrageous! The man never smoked a day in his life! It was deemed all the crueller because there was no reason for the cancer. Yet, here there remain, plenty of smokers walking about cancer free. Right, I don’t wish cancer on anyone smoker or otherwise. It just struck me as another significant difference between mental and physical health. When you have depression despite having it good no one is outraged on your behalf. In fact, quite the opposite. How the hell can you be depressed you have it so good?! Imagine if we reacted the same to physical illness. What right do you have to have a heart attack? You exercise, eat well, don’t smoke – what on earth has your heart got to be having heart attacks over? Are you sure it’s not just indigestion? Ludicrous innit?
But back to me…
So all day I’ve been snappy and sullen cos why not take it out on the innocent people you love? I despise myself and that makes it worse. My husband acts like I’m useless. I’m not useless! I am depressed. Stop guessing what will help and talk about it. I have tried talking about it but it is frightening to him. He is terrified and so smothers me thinking it’ll help.
I have felt like I wanted to cry all day but I can’t. Is that the medication? Someone will know because, let’s face it, everyone is depressed. It is everywhere and people are struggling through incredibly difficult situations whilst I sit and bellyache about…well, what exactly?
I found out yesterday (by luck/Google/research) that in my original IAPT assessment I scored as severe depression and severe anxiety and should be assessed for other conditions because of these high scores. Well, that ain’t ever happening because I won’t try and kill myself. Don’t get me wrong, I think about it. All. The. Fucking. Time. My wrists itch telling me to soothe them with a knife but I know this is pointless as it’s actually a really crappy suicide method (more research). I dabbled in a bit of reckless driving tonight. Nothing out of control but just enough that if ‘something’ had happened then I would’ve come off the road. Don’t worry the road was really quiet and I didn’t want to cause an accident that hurt other people. It was just an exercise is pushing the boundaries.
I push the boundaries because I feel invisible. Everyone is sick. Everyone has problems. I’m not urgent or even important or…even, I dunno, noteworthy? I’m just here. Soaking up the oxygen. Caring fatigue sets in. Still depressed are you? Hmmm bit bored of that now.
Was there a point to this? I don’t know. Probably not.
But, you cannot disagree, depression is depressing. And there’s always delete.