I’m really not. I don’t see the point in it. Sure I get wound up by bad drivers or the self-checkouts at supermarkets because I’m a human but, generally, I’d class my rage as pretty low.
That’s because I learned there was no point.
No point in fighting back.
No point in expressing emotion.
No point in feeling wronged because, let’s be honest, I deserved it.
Now there’s a Buddhist type quote somewhere that says somethings along the lines of…anger is like swallowing a poison and expecting it to hurt the other person. I get that. Makes sense to me. The situation is what it is. Sigh.
Unfortunately despite my best efforts at being zen or whatever I still remain human. Anger is a part of that.
When I was growing up I experienced all kinds of upsetting situations but I had no control over it. I was a child. There was no safe space to be angry. So, what to do with all that anger? Simple. Just roll it up in a little ball and stuff it deep inside of me. Ahhh! That’s better. Ultimately though as the ignored anger grows it gets more and more difficult to contain. Just containing the anger uses an incredible amount of energy. And, according to the therapist, this is why I’m so knackered. I agree with her. Maintaining outer calm whilst internally an inferno creates destruction is actually quite tiring.
I realise that I’m not an angry person but I most certainly do feel anger. Like a big, red furry seething monster. (I might draw it later.) Why were these things allowed to happen to me?! They could have been stopped. Could have. And I am really, rather pissed off that they weren’t. The number of silent screams I let out: scratched wrists, not eating, writing about it in English, carving a word on my arm, trying to slit my wrists etc etc. Seriously. Why didn’t anyone stop this? Yes, you bet. I am absolutely fucking raging about it.
BUT, that was the past. Now I’m in the present and this past anger is getting in the way. What to do? What to do? The therapist asks what would happen if I let the anger out. I laugh heartily. That, my dear, is not possible. Of course she asks why. Well, I think it would end rather badly. Possibly with me screaming deranged in the street, causing criminal damage and being arrested. I think this course of action is best avoided. Indeed. We are going to need another strategy.
We do lots of other counselling stuff and then she gives me the angry page. It is a worksheet! Hurray! My little teacher heart leaps in my rage-filled chest. Yes please! This I can do. Actually I’m looking forward to it. I’ve added a picture of the angry page. (It’s from a book so I’m a bit worried about copyright. Please contact me if I need to take the photo down.)
So, maybe I might be an angry person after all…