EMDR #1

Yesterday was our first attempt at processing a difficult memory. We worked on my mum using what happened in the garage to control me. The feelings associated with this memory are:

  • Shame
  • Guilt
  • I am stupid
  • I should not speak
  • I’m wrong
  • I don’t fit in
  • I’m disgusting 

I choose ‘I’m disgusting’ to work on and decide that I would like to replace that feeling with ‘I’m funny’.

We work through the process with the theratap. I go from my negative feeling being a 10+ to a 5 to a 1-2. I leave feeling really good. I confronted something and I fought it and I won. The sun shines on me. I know it won’t be this easy and there will be more to battle but, at this moment, I feel good.

I’m really tired in the evening. I was told to expect this so it’s fine. I go to bed early but lie awake for about 2 hours. Can’t sleep. I feel subconsciously agitated.

When I wake up today I know. This isn’t good. I feel the tiredness woven through me. My hands are slightly shaky. I feel so spacey. My vision is disturbed – blurry, dark around the edges. I see coloured spots. I have pins and needles towards the front of my brain. I feel dizzy. And down. My mood is definitely more dark than light. I am sad. The pins and needles become a headache like static. My speech has gone too. I lose words. I struggle to finish sentences that I start. My mind is somewhere else. Somewhere I’m not in control of. I’m lucky because I can take it easy today. My husband must wonder what I’m all about. I must appear perfectly fine just lazy.

I could curl up and cry.

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