One foot in front of the other

I’ve kept a patchy journal on my phone. I needed it so that when I spoke to the Dr I could be truthful about how low I went. And when I was in the darkness it was helpful to see that there could be good moments. It’s helped me enormously and shows the ups and downs of the last 3 months or so including the trials of medication. Some days I really, really wanted to die. Just one foot in front of the other was how I stumbled through to this point.

Fri 18/03
Really struggled to get up. Argued with myself for over 30mins to do it. Did 10 mins headspace. Turned music up ridiculously loud driving into work. Really helped. Had a really positive day. I need to remember that bad mornings can still be good days.

Thur 17/03
Hate myself. No idea how I’m going to parent successfully today. Really depressed all day (no shower). Considering the benefits of an overdose. Don’t want to die just want to be saved. Spoke to Sara. My memories are real.

Wed 16/03
Woke up all shaky. Had flashback in the car. My mum was breathing on my neck telling me she was going to kill me. I felt like I might black out. My hands were numb icicles. I tried breathing slowly and noticing number plates. Got into work and was quickly overwhelmed. Had massive panic attack, tears etc in front of VMD and RD. Struggling to speak. Will be fine though.

Tues 15/03
Today started well. I’ve been really calm and not shaky at all. It comes at a price though. I’ve been totally vacant. Unable to concentrate. Dissociating. Then I got good feedback on my pm obs but I twisted it to make it bad (my marking). I spiraled down. So close to tears. Want booze. Scratching my wrists (attention seeking pathetic idiot). Googled slitting wrists. Apparently it’s a fairly pointless activity. Veered car off the road driving home. Feel so utterly lost and I just hate myself so much.

Sat 12/03
Had a great day. We all went out to the shops and I didn’t feel overwhelmed. Not even when M tantrummed in Clarks! I made dinner and tidied up. I felt normal. There was even happiness when I watched M playing Lego. I felt it. Happy. But then I messaged my brothers about the cptsd. They are the last piece in the puzzle. D came back with a nasty message attacking me. I expected anger but not this. Apparently they’re all fine (they’re not) and have bonded and are over it. Right. The 3 people I thought would understand because we lived through it together don’t understand at all. I question myself. What is wrong with me? And the blackness comes back and I want to die again.

Fri 11/03
Bit unsettled in the night. What is the blue and red memory at the bottom of the stairs? Nervous this morning as I go into work and face the fb ‘announcement’. Can only take 1 pill today as I didn’t get my prescription in on time.
What a great day. I smiled a lot. The muscles on my face aren’t used to it! There have been extended parts of the day where I haven’t shook. This is amazing. My brain is still very foggy. I had wine (it’s Friday!) and as I lay in bed I scratched my wrists like cutting. I don’t know why. I felt good but was still tempted to go downstairs, get a knife and watch the drip, drip of the thick red.

Thur 10/03
Didn’t think I could get out of bed. I had been crying in my sleep. Asked Ben to stay home. He couldn’t. Got up and did ok. Decided to deal with this head on and reveal myself. I emailed my dad and then did a big fb confession. I feel better. Got lots of support. What will be will be.

Wed 09/03
Had a good calm day in work. Drove home and realised I hadn’t thought about killing myself all day. Wow! Much better. Went to counselling. Something happened. Got scared. Now feel very teary. And exhausted. I am so tired.

Tues 08/03
I feel calm. My heart is fluttering in my chest but it feels excited rather than scared. I’ve just stood in my empty classroom, looked around and said ‘this is amazing‘. Day 2 caffeine free. I feel lighter somehow. Even visually things appear a bit brighter. Please let this be the start of the drugs working.

Sun 06/03 Mothers Day
Very down. Hard to get out of bed. Googled some suicide stuff just for interest, not with intent. M is crying for me. B is with her. I feel utterly useless. A source of upset. Hate myself. Of course.

Fri 4/03
Back on 20mg. Struggling to have any energy. So much to do. Bit shaky. Took over an hour to get to sleep last night. Remembering. Feel a great sadness in my heart.

Thurs 03/04
Good day. No shakes really. Over eating. Thought dark things but ok. Can’t sleep. So tired. Took 20mg flux about 7pm.

Wed 02/03
Feeling positive still. Have managed to concentrate ok. Very tired. Eating a lot again. Quite shaky. Feel the blackness coming back at bedtime. Took 2h to get to sleep.

Tues 01/03
Feel positive. Stopped taking meds today. Have slept a lot. Seeing Dawn later. Off work – right decision. Feel better. I can get stronger. And maybe run again. I could run for Mind…

Saturday 27/02
Still in bed at 1130am. Could stay here all day. Shakes awful. Only took 1 pill tho. Need to get off these meds. Terrified about potentially being pregnant. Hate myself as usual.

Friday 26/02
Not good.
Had to seriously talk myself into going to work. Terrible shakes. Feel isolated. Awful.

Thursday 25/02
I felt OK. I wasn’t happy but I was ok. I felt I coped better. I was calmer.
By evening I was exhausted. I couldn’t write my Y7 reports. I tried but the words just didn’t come. I gave up at 930pm and went to bed.

Saturday 19/02
This morning was horrendous. I wanted to die so badly (hangover). Rang support line 4 times and didn’t get through. Had a shower and cried. Felt mood lift slightly. Terrible shakes.
Went to spa. Lay in hydropool and felt genuine peace and happiness. It was such a relief. It felt amazing and my shakes went away. The rest of the day was better. I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t distressed.

Wed 16/02
A lot has happened.
News from IAPT of 6m wait for counselling. Went into downward spiral. Accelerated towards a lorry. Rang support line. No go. Rang Samaritans. Was told traffic, life, magic wand, no point seeing your GP. Ran bread knife over wrist. Wondered if cry for help suicide attempt would help. Realised it wouldn’t. Tried Mind – 6m waiting list. Spoke to support line again. Cut finger with knife. Feeling desperate. No support. Decided to try private. Husband in tears with stress. This cannot go on for 6m. *I* cannot go on for 6m. Felt more positive after contacting private counsellor because I am doing *something*. Suspect meds may need changing.

Bought oven cleaner. Pondered over it as a suicide method. At petrol station considered ramming full speed into pumps (wouldn’t hurt others tho). Well, this isn’t great.

Friday 05/02
I’m scared. I keep thinking today’s the day. Do it today. No. No I won’t. Not today. Not ever. I think the trigger is I have an obs in work. It shouldn’t be a big deal. I’m ready and I think I’m probably good at my job. But God. This feeling is intense. I’ve started wrapping my hands round my throat and choking myself just to feel a bit…better? Think I’d best ring that mh woman and get that phone number.

Thursday 04/02
There’s been more tears and more thinking about suicide. Think I’m coping pretty well considering

Saturday 30/01
This is better. Feels a bit like the first day after a storm. You look about and it’s still cloudy but the storm does appear to have passed. You won’t believe it for a few days but enjoy the breather. Antibiotics are a marvel.

Wed 27/01
Think we need to up the dose.
Kids in school have asked about my shaking hands.
I’m irritated.
When driving home I randomly thought about self-harming from nowhere.
Struggling to sleep. Still ill with cold so miserable anyway. Would just love to talk to someone.

Sun 24/01
Stopped keeping journal. Just have felt so awful and pathetic with cold. I’d be loathsome but I’m not worth the energy. Getting thro days in work but exhausted and useless at home. Work has piled up and is stressing me out. I don’t know how to get back on top of things.šŸ˜• Everything is on hold until the cold passes. Craving and eating lots of sugar. Had some tremors for a few days. Not suicidal tho šŸ‘

Sun 17/01
Still ill. Pretty much hate my useless slug self. Think B is pretty pissed at me for being so pathetic. Want to be better. Not sure how to make that happen sooner.šŸ”«šŸ”«šŸ”«

Sat 16th
920am
Still ill. Slept most of the day. Had a shower at 3pm. Felt better. Had more energy in the evening. Thought perhaps turning a corner.

Fri 15th
715am
Still ill. Off work. Awful and weak
Lot’s of thoughts about what a burden I am. A parasite. Pathetic. Self-pitying. Weak. I absolutely hate myself. šŸ”«

Thu 14th
Tab@730
Been ill in bed with a cold all day. Feel awful but the darkness is ok.

Wed 13th
Tab@630am
The difference is unbelievable. I’m calm and coping. Stuff happens and I’m like oh well. Nevermind. I’ve had down moments but they’ve felt ‘normal’ but I am conscious of the blackness. It’s still there at the edge of my consciousness. Like the tide is out. I’ve made some careless mistakes in work. Have a cold so v tired.

Tues 12
Tab@7
Good day.

Mon 11
Tab@630
Wow. Good.
Tremors 0
Nausea 4/5 after eating only in am.
Could concentrate. Felt normal. Can’t believe I ever had such dark thoughts!

Sun 10
Tab@930
Lovely lie in.
The drugs are working, šŸ˜€.
Tremors 1
Nausea – only mild after eating
Suicidal thoughts – 0
This is better.

Sat 9
Tab@9
Up @10 after very broken night
Felt ok in morning
Shakes 3
Nausea 3
Felt ok.
Pm felt awful. Repeatedly reminded myself why it is important that I stay alive. Irritable. Shakes 1, nausea 5.
Evening – calmer, feel better. Wrote 20 reports no bother. Feel energised.

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